Update 10 July 2020: a post I read today made me realize that more and more people are taken hostage in a situation that they feel powerless to change.
The country is out of business and waiting to figure out what sauce we are going to be in, I admit I can no longer read the opinions of specialists, politicians, Lebanese ordinary and other questionable patron.
I don't have an opinion anymore because I don't know the true of the fake anymore... I mustn't be the only one in this case 😔
All I'm sure is that it will take years before we get up from these quicksand, it will be terrible and painful for all of us
So I'm painting! I paint this ideal Lebanon in my world. Have I really experienced it one day or just imagined it? I don't even know anymore
I had painted this painting in the early days of the "Thawra" but decided, a few days ago to transform it.
Marry Lebanese joy at the safe haven of my delighted world reassures me and reminds me that in life everything remains possible
One country, a flag
This email made me wonder about the psychological well being of the Lebanese society.
I do not know what is happening to me, or let us say that I do not want to know.I think I am clinically depressed for the first time in my life.
And it frightens me.
At the surface I am fine, no anxiety or lack of sleep or bad thoughts, it is as if I am euphoric. I just want to read, take care of the house, watch movies, hear news.... I cannot really concentrate on work or anything other than mundane tasks.
I have managed until now to sail through my work without too much damage, but it will catch with me soon with a hit on the head, if I go on like that.
In addition it is as if I am happy with self isolation....
Usually when I used to face war or political upheaval, it was a battle and I was in drive mode.
Now it is as if there is no battle to do, just slip into life...
Am sure it is the uncertainty of coronavirus crisis that turned my life upside down; from perpetual movement to sedentary life unable to plan anything.
Self isolation has removed humanity from my life. Meeting people online is not the same. You cannot bathe is their energy, you cannot feel the vibes emanating from their body language, you cannot smell them or touch them....
The Lebanon crisis and its financial implications have caught up with me.
Living under uncertainty of the future since October 2019 without any direction or the slightness iota of hope is not easy.
All I feel is the unfairness of loosing all my savings, loosing the hope for a decent future after having worked so hard all my life. After being 'successful' in my career.
I cannot even find solace in saying, ''I should have''. I could have done nothing.
Maybe I should have cut ties with Lebanon, I should have left the country and built my life somewhere else. I should have left a country that thrives on corruption and political procrastination.
I had options but could not cut the umbilical cord with a country I loved.
A country today I hate and mourn over losing it.
Combined together, the corona crisis and capital controls wrestled me to the ground.
What can I do, how to face this?
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