How covid-19 changed me

Today, I realised that self isolation, lockdown, living in the shadow of Covid-19 news have taken their toll on my psyche and to a certain extent my sanity.

Since February 20120 I passed through various stages of ups and downs, anger, apathy, and almost depression. Yet I thought that I was doing well. 

I even adapted to a sedentary life after spending the last decade living a nomadic life. From airport to airport, to train, to hotel, rarely sleeping in the same bed for more than a maximum of 10 days.

I studied the virus, how it worked and tried to protect myself without exaggeration.

Not easy to be alone for so long, and I mean without real human contact. True, everyday I meet many people virtually, my days are full, even overworked. 

True I adapted to home office, kept a certain discipline of a work routine. I wake up early, get dressed, take my breakfast, and then go to my desk office. I take a lunch break, and an afternoon walk. I mean the usual everyday life. But, and here is the but, my weekends are drowned in solitude. No outings with friends, no hugs. And I like to show my emotions by touching :)

Anyway, I will not bore you with details that I am sure all of you experienced in the last year; a seesaw of lockdowns, travel restrictions, quarantines, and self isolation.

This Saturday, the daughter of a friend of mine contacted me to say that she is in the same city, she would like to meet, immediately telling me that she will take a rapid antigen test before coming. I immediately told her to come for lunch at the appartement. It was the first time I received anybody since the whole saga started. Told myself that as she was going to take a rapid antigen test before coming I could relax a bit.

It was nice to cook for somebody, arrange a nice dining table, and all the niceties of receiving a person for lunch. The young woman was very pleasant and we enjoyed our time, she stayed quite late and seemed reluctant to leave. I enjoyed her presence.

And this when it hit me that I changed. During all her stay there was like a small lingering sound in my mind telling me, what if she is infected. During her stay I kept the window in the kitchen/dining room open. But after she left I opened all the windows in the house. It was freezing, but I could not close the windows and there were windmills in my brain about Covid-19, infections, and why I do this.

It ruined it a bit for me. 

I definitely need rehabilitation whenever this crisis gets resolved. And I wonder if I ever will be back to my old self. 

I am afraid of the fact that I feel my new lifestyle is totally natural. I am afraid that I am getting used to it. I am afraid of a change that is startling and not welcomed. I liked my old self.